How Clown Saved Me (2/4)

Through the Ages

Hey there! Man, I’ve really been feeling like every day is a Monday these days. But, nay! It is Thursday! Well, for me, it is. But who’s to say, today could be your Friday. Or Saturday! The options are… well, of seven. Unless you’re in Myanmar, in which case you have eight :)

Last week I kicked off a four-part series with some of my villainous origin story. I say villainous because we all have some hero and some villain in us, and indeed some pedestrian, too… but this story, the one about the blooming of my nightmares, well, it directly relates to the villain bits of me. As I have found more stability over the years, healing fragments of my whole, it has become quite apparent that when I lack sleep, my sensitivity to being thrown into dysregulation goes up ten-fold. And when I am dysregulated, my choices, temperament, and general disposition air on the side of survival mode, with much dependence on ego. Enter: Villain Julia.

julia fae & blackburn studios 2012

My sleep has improved slightly since last week’s update. The nightmares aren’t quite so immediate in their effect right now, and I am somewhat on an uptick in mental/physical/emotional well-being. Still not great, though. Exhaustion is never far off, and my edges are surely glimmering. However, with this awareness of how seriously I know sleep deprivation impacts me, I have self-care geared up at full blast, with mindfulness and compassion leading the way. The tool kit is wide open! Despite my sleepy vulnerability to high levels of subjective units of distress, and thus notable sensitivity to triggers and un-effective behavior patterns, I am doing just fine. The tools I have accumulated and am currently wielding, with success, I might add, could be spoken about in a variety of languages, which in this bit of blurb is DBT-speak. DBT is “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy” and is a particular approach to psychological therapy that has helped me tremendously over the past year. Simply put, it is a means of re-wiring the brain after the effects of PTSD have nested themselves into a mind. There are four components of DBT: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.

Before I dove into the DBT, medically sanctioned approach, I had already been working on coming to the same place from a different direction, through the way of the clown. I didn’t know that, quite. The hands of destiny brought me to clown, not the fully realized choice to heal. Nonetheless, that is what it does.

Burrowing into myself with the support of the clown is the greatest medicine I have ever known. We may all access the healing wisdom of the clown; one way of bringing them out, which you might be picturing, is via the red nose, the smallest mask, a mask to reveal our emotions and explore them with curiosity and hope. The clown never gives up, trying again and again until they find a way.

The first shaman was the first clown! Every culture out there has a clown archetype. They are the healers who can cross the in-between and bring wisdom and medicines offered from the other side into our shared physical reality. One association you can probably picture is Rafiki. The shaman monkey from the Lion King who gets word from the wise, other side that Simba is alive. Gotta love when he hits Simba on the head while laughing to make a point about letting go of the past, about our tremendous power of choice. The clown healer can be infuriating like this, annoyingly poking holes in our stern hold on reality until we realize there is no such thing.

Another commonly recalled depiction of the clown/trickster is the coyote, who you may know from Native American legends or more recently born cartoons.

Coyote relies heavily on his shamanistic ability to come back from the dead, from the other side. This trait allows him to escape the full consequences of his unchecked curiosity and follies therein. An allowance that supports his beloved, hopeful efforts to try and try again!

Humanity craves to see the clown, this glimmering bit of what they want to see reflected in themselves. The bit that always gets up and has another go, driven and with full attention to the present moment! Even if it bites them in the buttocks a bit too much. In fact, especially if it does. For we must, too, never give up! And we must find the inspiration to believe in our efforts.

In South America, we see the clown represented in legend as the frog. In this region, frogs sleep through the drier months just under the surface of the dirt, as though in death, to awaken when the weather changes and the rains come, hopping back onto our earth as though back from the other side.

The clown shaman, this walker between worlds, they who break the fourth wall of reality, reminds us that life is but a dream and we hold all the choice to be merry.

The sacred clown is indispensable to every society. We must always remember the importance of and power in levity, curiosity, play, and an awakened spirit. How else would our tiny beings be able to come face to face with the enormity of the cosmos? To learn from all that is, to access the infinite. The greatness that is all is undoubtedly too much to fit neatly inside our day-to-day minds, too vast and grand to be compatible with logical, rote life. The clown shaman shakes us up! Jolting us into breaking through the dullness of consciousness, the mundane that usually protects humankind from the intrusions of wonder. 

I have given you some examples of where and how the clown shows up in a few parts of the world. Where have you seen the clown in your society?

I hope you have a great day; enjoy the full moon this coming Tuesday, the 14th, and I’ll see you next week for a peek at where clown in Los Angeles has seeped into the cracks!

julia fae and dee marcucci 2019

Aloha a hui ho,

Julia