Reconditioning

De-homogenizing How We Approach Modalities to Achieve Success

Albuquerque, New Mexico.

It is July 7th, 2022.

Alan is outside returning a call to a friend coming off an artsy, post-breakup binge.

The bunny is sitting in his box of hay at my feet, cozied up on one of our two queen beds here at this Best Western offspring called SureStay. It’s more affordable than its parent, but I did find and kill a cockroach; it emerged on our bedside table some hours after settling in and found the outside edge of my right fist pretty quick. We covered it with a small piece of paper but are leaving it there so the property can discover it and hopefully do something; I wonder if that something would be a trade-off for lingering toxic chemicals. You never win with these things. I once listened to a haunting episode of Stuff You Should Know that revealed motels hide dead bodies in the bed box frame allll theee timeeee. Every day. Everywhere.

Ew. So spooky. Can’t even. And so, I block it out! Because here I am, staying in yet another motel of dozens I’ve snuggled on up in. Alas.

I am grateful for their pet policy minus the vocal pup next door; at least he seems more subdued since we arrived, now that the sun is halfway around the globe. 

The hum of the air conditioner is soothing in this otherwise tentative space as it lays down any hesitancy to relax with its vibrating lullaby, highlighting the quiet here that my mind so desperately craves.

We’ve been on the road for two days now. Leaving LA felt right in the end. I am glad for that, grateful for this turbulent and beautiful book to ultimately close with such benevolence. The journey to the day our wheels hit the road was quite twisty, spanning many moon cycles and hovering in our peripherals throughout them all.

You never know how endings will go; breakups don’t necessarily reflect the relationship. I am happy to report that this one did us justice, full of heartfelt farewells, laughs, shows, and final gigs in our favorite fields. It has been non-stop, though, and I have been in what feels like constant communication with my lover for days and days and days. That is a lot for a Julia. Homegirl needs her quiet and her alone. 

In the framework of Human Design, I am a projector. If these words are foreign to you, I highly recommend doing a little dive into exploring your own human design. Until then, a quick summary: it is an amalgamation of a heap of esoteric practices rooted in the more spiritual-forward sciences. It is not un-similar to astrology. You are born with a particular human design unique to only you, and it can function as a roadmap to your success in this life. I am a huge fan of how this school of new-age thought pre-supposes a de-homogenization of how we approach modalities of achieving success.

It ain’t all “Go, go, go, keep going to win!” my dudes.

For a generator, perhaps it is. However, the modality in which I achieve my most authentic and magnetic state of being is more in the vein of how projectors are described, which means heaps of alone time while I rest. 

The fatigue from simply being around other people is SO real for me, but the pressure to grin and bear it my whole life has always weighed heavily. As I delve deeper into deconstructing my auto-programming from a mainstream upbringing, I get better and better at detecting what my mind/body/spirit needs to thrive, versus what I think it needs.

I’ve lived with a handful of romantic partners over the years, and on each occasion, it always seemed as though sleeping in the same bed every night was an unquestionable fact of life. You move in; you share a bed, the end. Only people with relationship problems sleep separately, right? It took me many years to recognize that this perceived obligation was not only my downfall but a big part of my relationships’ downfall. As each situation would progress, my exhaustion would increase, and with it, all sorts of unsavory resentments.

Years after, wisening to this need of mine to sleep alone regularly, I still didn’t know how to approach it, how to claim this truth with total confidence in my self-advocacy. To friends and lovers, I’d declare that if I ever nested with someone again, I’d need my own private part of a shared living-space! These expressions were always written off as just another quirky Julia joke. Funny, how hard it is to be taken seriously when you deviate from the norm. To reinforce my seriousness, I took on the label of solo-poly and concluded that I would never nest with a lover again. 

Yet, as my relationship with Alan grew, so did a yearning to nest with him, coupled with feelings of regret for putting myself in this position–the position of having to choose between my basic needs or conventional expectations.

Striving for both felt like it would be a life-long battle of feeling guilty for being who I am and having to explain myself all the time.

I just want to be, you know? Fighting for the right to be who we are is so exhausting that most people just… don’t. Most people fall into line so we can just get on with “life.”

I felt that pressure and was ready to sacrifice my basic need to sometimes sleep alone in order to honor our love by conventional standards. How silly this sounds, but how real and threatening it can feel. 

Enter: Human Design. Upon discovering that this is a total THING with projectors, my mind was blown, and my heart filled with courage to de-program this nonsense and get what I need out of life to be my most vibrant and whole self. Projectors don’t generate energy; we focus energy from others. This means that even while we sleep, our auric fields are at work funneling the energy it is picking up from those nearby.

Regardless if Human Design is true through and through, I find this take incredibly validating. Our sleep needs shouldn’t be wrapped up in the socio-politics of perceived relationship standards. By de-homogenizing how we approach success, we also take away the heaviness of guilt anyone who differs from the public’s expectations inevitably feels.

SIS! WE CAN ORGANIZE THE SYSTEMS WE NEED TO BE OPTIMALLY FUNCTIONAL. REGARDLESS OF OUR PROGRAMMED PERCEPTIONS.

On this road trip from LA to Texas, as we forge our new path to our new homeland, I am so happy to be sleeping in a separate bed from my stupidly sexy and wonderful lover. With all the constant company, it is so good for us that when I can get some much-needed space, I can do just that. I am so grateful to have built a relationship where I can ask for what I need without shame or combative eye rolls. This dynamic I am experiencing gives me so much hope for the world, the future, and humanity. The systems we grew up assuming were as solid as stone are far from it.

We can build any relationship we want, any world we want.

You down?