The Hyper-Focus That's Stolen Me Away

Ah, but how tasty this time has been...

My seat sinks into me as I sink my rear into a chair before the dining table. I hear the fan whir in the early-morning stillness, the taste of possibility still upon the breath of dawn. I take a deep breath through my nostrils, a little dry from a night under air conditioning. I hear my rabbit flip his dish over and paw at his door, wanting to come play after gobbling up his breakfast.

Focus, focus…

I haven’t been able to focus enough to write for you.

I have ideas; I want to sketch them out, lay them down, tuck them in and deliver them to your inbox, but lately, all I think about is this enormous event I am producing.

I went to sleep concerned about one of the performers, who is also a friend–concerned about her demands as an artist. Dwelling on how, as the head of this snake, I am to incorporate her needs smoothly into the narrative of the interactive play we are performing. So that the audience does not swivel their heads in confusion when she changes character mid-show and also supportive enough that she feels no bumps in the road, how might I diminish the swivels and absorb the bumps…

I dreamt of the venue’s inner workings. A road trip with the members, my mind make-believing status games and working out subconscious desires for approval.

My thumbs ached to open my Instagram and get to the marketing scheme of the day before I sat down and adhered to my personal passions–my commitment to write for you. I placed the phone upside down and left it with my coffee at the end of the dining table. My seat sunk into me as I sunk into it, and here I am, beating away at the click-board, keying my musings on my distorted focus and artistic function. I can’t think of anything else / it is all I want to breathe, lately / because it must succeed.

I’m not unhappy with this hyper-focus, but I do need to learn how to give it more elasticity. For the sake of sustaining the juice of the project, and my life, and my relationships. For the sake of honoring the intricacies of my joys.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the need to succeed. It can be enrapturing to work on one thing so fervently. I am grateful for this project's financial necessities that have pushed it to great heights of grandeur. Certainly, there’s an undercurrent of resentment for that need, where it popped up in unforeseen places. Alas, that’s business! And I am at the point in the production where I am ready to resolve that resentment, ready to gobble up the delicious treat of grandiose design it forced my hand to create.

Mm… because it really is delicious.

I am thrilled to be putting on this show. And my, do I look forward to the stories it seeds and unfurls as it unfolds.

Tah-tah, for now!

Julia