Wholly Committed

to growing in love

May 25, 2023

It had been a full day. A chiropractic adjustment, a meaningful lunch with a friend, time spent on my computer writing, preparing for my next class, a workout, a sauna and cold plunge, a long drive. My eyes felt like butterflies flitting forward an inch off my face, gently leading me home. I pulled the Chevy truck into our driveway beside our rock and cactus garden as my plans with Alan at 6:30 neared. I turned off the engine and peered inside through the kitchen window.

I could see my sweetheart in the button-up shirt I bought him for Christmas. He’d never worn it before. It is white, like a clown face, with small red circles all over and yellow and navy details to boot. He loves an array of primary colors. He was glowing a bit as he washed something at the sink. We locked eyes, and he smiled a silly smile and waved in an over-the-top fashion. I breathed bliss into the moment, enjoying life for all the tiny blessings I experience in it.

Inside, warm lamp light enfolded me in the feeling of home. The record player sang joyful tunes, wrapping me up in a hand full of howdy, pulling my heart deeper into the space. A white balloon on a red string gently grew from betwixt the cushions of our couch, hovering quietly, like myself. I peeked around the corner and saw a bouquet of spring flowers sitting in the center of our wooden dining table.

Alan peered at me from behind the kitchen counter where he cooked, a grin poking into his soft cheeks as he whipped together his tried and true cocktail sauce—a classic date-with-Alan move. We had plans to have dinner and some dedicated “us” time this evening, so these details did add up. I suppose I just wasn’t expecting so much affection off the bat; my skin still dewy from my workout.

We caught up, we had wine, we chowed delectable salmon and guzzled delicious shrimps, we danced for each other in an absurd fashion, we laid on the couch and chit-chatted. Then, dusk started to dust the windows in blue-gray tones.

“Wanna play hide and go seek?” Alan’s eyes were piercing me with love. I love his playful spirit and when he uses it to hit the mark on how to engage my interest and attention. We’d never played hide and go seek before, but hell, I was down. We’d been going through some strain in our intimate relations, and while I didn’t show up with date-night makeup on, I did show up with an open heart, ready to give my full presence to our time together.

“Sure! You better count!” I leaped off the couch and started creeping around the house, making sounds that I hoped would confuse him as he loudly rattled off words that were not exactly counting. In his office, I snuck behind a long curtain and waited until I heard him stop his version of counting before making my breath shallow.

Something about hiding with the most serious intentions, even hiding my breath, was so stupid and fun. I could feel the energy of laughter building in my diaphragm. I heard him going through the rooms and squished up my face to keep my energy still. The second he entered his office, he guffawed. Shoot. He can definitely see my feet.

“Hmmm, I wonder where Julia is…” Alan puttered around the curtain I stayed behind, opening the door it was beside to look outside, “Julia? Juuulia?” I snickered under my breath, my body completely tense in an effort to stay hidden. “Where is Julia?” he left the room, and I snuck out of his office door to go outside and hide behind my truck. As I crouched before it, a man walking his dog looked at me quizzically. I laughed quietly and ferociously. Alan popped out of the front door to chase me. “Ahh!” I squealed, and the chase was on. Round our front yard and through the doors we went, finally getting captured with kisses. I gave in, and the baton was passed. It was Alan’s turn to hide. I quickly uncovered him hiding behind my studio’s curtain (copycat); the huge bulge of his obvious body had me giggling and imitating him in turn.

“Alan? Wheeere is Alan?” I went outside to feign the seeking, and when I returned, the curtain bulge had disappeared. He was gone! The hunt was on, and a game of chase ensued. I captured him trying to creep back in through the back door, and we frolicked in the backyard for a while.

I observed new ant piles that needed to be poisoned, and Alan ducked back inside. On the way to poison the ants, I recognized that I shouldn’t start doing domestic duties right this moment and instead stay committed to the energy of a date night hang. Make it special, Julia!

So, I just hid in the outdoor shed next to the poison. Cutie would have to find me! I could sense he was back, and pushed the shed door open a little. He was standing right there, just past the crack of the shed’s threshold, his bright eyes dancing before me above a red clown nose. He smiled a big, goofy smile, “you need yours,” he handed me a little white box. Did he get me that nose I want with the septum device that holds it on?

I opened the box, and a red foam nose sat there, hugging a sparkling diamond. Still standing in the doorway of the shed, I froze. Thoughts and feelings and energy poured through me, every cell activated and processing this moment; it was like my life was flashing before my eyes but in reverse. Alan got down on one knee, and I wish I could remember what he said, but I can say it was along the lines of “Will you marry me? I want to spend forever with you, Julia…” and it went on and on which I loved and needed, and I was breathing but couldn’t really tell that I was breathing, and he started to get nervous that I was too surprised and I cried and laughed and said “YES!”

And we hugged, and we kissed, and we slow danced, and I played him a soundtrack I’d been secretly building for a long time. It was the only wedding prep I’d allowed myself, this soundtrack. I prefer not to daydream about the future so as to stay in the moment, but sometimes great love songs come along, and I just needed to collect them. And gosh, how excited I am to keep collecting them for him. For us.

The portal between engagement and marriage feels incredibly potent. It is evidently a place of immense energy and charge, which we are honored to harness to better ourselves individually and collectively. Life is so precious, and our time here, with all these opportunities to grow and challenge ourselves to extend our edges, is invaluable. Gosh, ain’t I grateful to get to push and pull and play with the being that is Alan. Forevermore!

The Skinless Grape

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